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A Quirk I've Come To Love
Oh my gosh where have I BEEN? New FSF album with Chris Carrabba? What HAPPENED to me?!

Current Mood: shocked shocked

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omg it's NaNoWriMo. why does this sneak up on me every year?

Current Mood: blah sigh

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dear freakin goodness.

Enough!

Indie child with ragtag band of misfits taking on the "perfect blondes" of her high school come ON!

Haven't we regurgitated this CRUD enough?

My Life As Liz = another insipid shot at a tried and true target. Package up a quirky fringe-runner (but not too fringe. not all creepy or black wearer or burnout or anything. And not too nerdy either. Just free-thinking enough to be the most popular form of non-popular. The most mainstream form of non-mainstream), put her in a non-high school world (i.e. the one that DOESNT exist in real life, filled with delicious cinematic happenings) and sell her to the believing masses.

The other day a movie was on about a nerd who hired a cheerleader to be his girlfriend. When I clicked over to it some fonzie type was telling some sleeveless button down'd Forest From Hellogoodbye type that "losers sit to the left" followed by some directional comeback by the volumously haired Every Girl I guessed to be the cheerleader but that's not the point. The point is that movie was from 1987. Come on people. Can we get over all this fuss about four years. All of this...Crud. Not to milk a metaphor but it's been rehased and rehashed so much I can't even chew it anymore. Maybe it's just because I'm the teen anymore. The wide-eyed scene-y freshman hungry for high school dreams but I've had enough. Just enough.

And now I'm losing the computer.
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24 hours ago i was bedding down in the Smoky Mountains.

But not anymore.

Which is somehow sad.

Since the minute we pulled into the mountains I wished to come back down but now that I'm safely sea-level I wish to go back up.

Ain't that funny?

That now that I'm back in my old creaky mattress I can't help thinking of the pink-pillowed single now sleeping someone else at the summit.

I always said those mountains were for recluses and unibombers but maybe, just maybe, I might not mind one more night or so there.

Then again what am I saying?
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"will we ever know if falling backwards can save us? Why not try it just once and hope that we survive?"

Another day another crushing dose of boredom. If you had showed this life to freshman me or even junior me she would've said you were lying. There's no way things could be like this at 17. But seeing as how they are i suppose I should find some way to make my life less lame.

Some family from Cinci are upstairs now, asking for Madre's assistance in house hunting. They have a daughter. Typical urbetto black girl. Wonder how she's going to like it in the suburbs even though our particular economic part of town isn't really all that burby. She'll probably slide in with the growing number "those kinda black ppl" here. I keep forgetting I'm no longer a part of high school politics. It's weird to drive past the skate park or mall and think I'm not a part of those swish-banged chanel-shaded throngs anymore.

I don't wanna be 17 and old.

Which reminds me of All Time Low and how their coming to Cleveland which makes me happy.

Which is good since the best hings I can think to do on this perfectly sunshiny day are pick some black and white nail polish and track down a DJ for this party of mine which I may just somehow live thru.

Why am I blogging with so little to say?
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what is this across my face?
who dares splash me with this race?
dripping with
hanging pants
educational intolerance
is there still a chance
that I could be
part of this
and still be me?
conformed to the enemy
could i be free
of this dark stain?
loosened from the hip-hop chain
what am I?
shall our history?
be boiled down to merely BET?


could i be proud
but not loud?
instead of swagger rock it out?
if we got ours and they've got theirs
I guess I'll just be caught in the crosshairs
of something that we never knew
zebra-torn traitor to all of you
I stand confused
in the terminal
of where I cannot bear and should not go
so look into my painted face
and tell me please
what is my place?

Current Location: Home

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I'll just take a slow goodbye
how can I give up on what I've resigned
myself to
I'll miss myself too
this
is where
it ends

Current Music: Stages and Stereos (check them out)

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a scream

a cry

red faded eyes

which one will she choose this time?

the razor? The window?

she hits the snow

hoofing it in 10 below

a couple lies lands her a bed

to rest the wounds inside her head

and whisper farewell to a future former

this bed isn’t any warmer...

but the bloodhound sun finds not a scratch

of a night spent on Cerberus’ back

and when the curtain draws

the show proceeds

on the rubble of her dreams

but she dances through them just as fine

chasing, hating, keeping time

Current Location: Ma maison
Current Music: A Playlist Killed The Mixtape - Select Start

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Burning candles everywhere

The full-bodied fragrance of despair

A laughing flower pedals tears

How did we ever end up here?


I sleep through the story and wake at the end
with blank stares and no fair's for dividends
pulling at a welded page
to claw out the words I could never say
before they're buried beneath the sands of time
the weight of the rubble of you and I
if I could mine
4 little letters
our story would so trump Cinderella's

wars have been fought for sillier causes
than stolen dreams and exile marches
so don't tell me to lighten up
or attach that adjective to my plight
cause how can you question the loyalty
of someone who's already died

 

 


i didn't ask to have this fight
my cause is only to survive
so throw all your best weaponry
i've got nothing more to lose you see
my faith is gone, what's victory?
when both sides are manned by misery?
i'll gladly savor this defeat
if all that's to win is decency
 

 


Current Location: Library

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 i just finished listening to Circles.

A song that so fits me right now.

And I couldn't help thinking,

Could all that  I'm looking for be hidden in plain view?

Current Mood: contemplative wondering
Current Music: Circles - Hidden In Plain View

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"I believe in clean breaks, I keep the old troubles away
But you're making sure
I was lying when I said
'I can leave,
This behind'"

That's what I wanted to post when the NY trip was derailed. Now I'm thinking it's true again. That I'm never gonna shake these things I don't like, these things I wanna get away from. I keep gettign pulled back to the same old people, the same old things. It's like I'm jumping with a bungee, running with one like we did in track practice 7th grade. You loop a bungee cord around your waist and give the ends to another person and run as hard you can trying to get as far as you can but of course never going anywhere. Except for this one kid, I forget his name, he snapped his. It hurt him but he snapped it. The ends popped him but he was free. I wonder if I could be like him. I wonder if I could run that strong.

Diary of A Downfall is what I wanted to title my journal entry today. The one that I never wrote. I've been neglecting my writing lately which is never good but I've been giving so much time to dreaming and sinking deeper into neutral. I can't seem to bring myself to do the things I should (like oh say my french homework), only the things i shouln't.

"Oh, but the more I fight
Then the deeper I'm trapped
And I can't break free of this hold that you have"

Will that be me? Trapped in this town? Not even this town, this town is about as trindie as any other. New York without the gas prices (and subway). It's the people I want to break free from. The people who coax me in with temporary kindness that melts into what I originally wanted to break free from. When I'm leaving they're my friend, when I'm here they're not. They only want me when I'm gone. Is there anyone better? Anywhere? Is there such a thing as the relationships I dream of? Or are lies a healthy part of any relationship? Like the cereal in a balanced breakfast. Does everyone lie and hurt and break? Does everyone ask back who you are? There are a million people in this town. Proverb says one of them is my best friend. I will search the world to find them but something tells me I'm just chasin the ghost of a good thing.

"I was lying when I said...
"I believe,
in clean breaks"

                                                                                                                                                  * * *

Maybe this is the fate of these towns. You stir when you're young and you stick around. Because when you get old the stirrings die. Fade like the colors of the receeding sky. Spur-of-the-moment poem for ya. Makes me think about what I thought about when I was watchign the sun set a some days ago. I always thought the clouds turned pink but when the sun dropped below the trees I noticed they were the same smoke gray clouds they were before the sun set. Like they'd never even been painted pink. It was just the light that was making them different. Now that the sun was gone I was seeing them for what they really were. Nothing special, nothing pretty. It was just the sun. It seemed like that applied to my life somehow. I'm too lazy to explore what.

This is what happens when you think on a stomach full of garlic bread ;)


 

 
 

Current Mood: contemplative hm

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There's a big  flower outside my window.

Yay.

Current Music: Bonjour Brumaire

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NY's not happening. It never was. Ever. Nothing that good could ever happen. Ever. No one can ever get out of this town. Ever.

The NY trip is off. I was so close too. I actually believed it. Just a click away. But now it's done. Everything I ever wanted...But yeah. Everything I was wanting it gone but that's just the way life goes. Leah says we'll get out one day. She says "maybe NY maybe cali"

i say maybe never.

but w/e.

time to set a new goal I'll never reach. Dream I'll never catch. Something to go for to keep me going for another day. 

But yeah. idk. i dont even know if i can say this over a livejournal no one reads. I'd rather write it in my journal. The 'rents & Co. are talking about streetwise fighting again ~_~. Why does everyone have to be so uncouth and course? Must everyone end in violence? Must everything lead to a fight? We're in CORNTOWN for crying outloud, stop acting like the c stands for Compton.

I guess I'll do something with today. With people who don't care ='[

but w/e.

i need to journal this....
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All those heartfelt gritty letters

and one about Starbucks gets the 5 comments

hm.

interesting.

maybe im being too catty but it's something i thought oddly interesting.

maybe some commentary of some sort.

l8r.

Current Mood: bored grounded

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 why does it seem like i can ony have half of what i want at any given time?

that something always has to be missing?

sometimes the shiniest piece.

Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
Current Music: Save Me From Me - Amber Pacific

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